Such is life

(my journal entry dated January 5, 2012, a Thursday)

Last night, I thought I said an apt prayer summing up my situation. I had asked God for help with the fulfillment of my tasks/purpose in life, going around my inadequacies/distractions. Although it’s not really remarkable because I’ve said similar prayers before, I just thought it was special in a way because it summed up a bargain between God and me.

I read somewhere that it’s not so wise to “bargain”…how was it again?…ah, yes, it’s not so wise to bargain and make commitments when there are easier ways to go about a certain “entanglement.”

So, is this life an entanglement of some sort? That’s not fair. There is as much happiness and opportunities and love and friends this life has to offer that it’s not fair to view life as one big entanglement. I’d like to think it’s one huge playground–a learning playground. And other “players” play with you and you should do your share in the play.

I have not been able to post new blog entries lately. Naiinis kasi ako sa sulat ko sa nauna kong journal. Sobrang liit and masakit sa mata, and transcribing them (or rather, encoding them on the computer) is a punishing “stunt”—for lack of a better term.

Where has this writing gone to? I am writing very slowly. Spontaneously, but slowly. I’d like to think that I am true to the aims of the morning pages. What the heck? Let’s just play. In the fields of the Lord, so says one book.

I have listed down my “to do” lineup for today (and the next several days). I’m quite happy that I’ve started with my small notebook for my fancies—the ideas or any other interesting concepts or notions that come to me, I write them down in this little notebook. And then I have this other “bigger” notebook, although not as big as this journal, where I can freewrite to develop those notions.

I might change or buy another notebook in place of the one I asked my sister to buy for me. Now that I’m writing here, I can see a huge difference between writing in cheap notebooks and writing in quality notebooks like this journal. Nakakagana magsulat! What else?

Isn’t that ironic? I just said, “Nakakagana magsulat,” tapos I follow it up with “What else?” indicating that I’ve run out of things to write. Funny. Well, what ELSE?

Take things in stride. Don’t hurry up so badly. You will do more when you do things at your own pace. YOUR pace. Not anyone else’s. The important thing is you’re doing them. You’ve begun to do them. Be kind to yourself. Be understanding. All right.

By the way, it wasn’t me who wrote down the last couple of sentences—the ones that are aphoristic. I just wrote down what was “dictated” to me. Thank you, whoever you are. You’re welcome. Ahehe. Oh brother! I’m turning into a nut bar. Hehe.

But it makes sense, taking things at my pace—not necessarily slow but not so hurried either. I welcome all the distractions in my life, all the disturbances—for such is life! There’s no need for me to hurry and finish up this page, like how I used to do in previous entries when I couldn’t wait to get to the last line of the page. I guess I’m turning into a gentle writer now, more assured at my own pace. Nawa ay huwag ma-jinx. Ahehe.

Like the Kung fu master in “The Drunken Master” movies. He fights in a slower manner—slow but forceful and with grace—it’s almost a dance. A dance. Perhaps we should go through life (or at least everyday life) like a dance. The more mundane tasks relegated to set dance steps (or choreography), and not be worried about or fuss about them unnecessarily. That’s right. If genius is in the head, why can’t its memory be in the body? It’s sad that this is the last line for this page. Chapter! 

Death penalty

(excerpt from my journal entry dated November 4, 2010, a Thursday).

I’ve always asked this question regarding death penalty and its morality. I’ve always been against it because it does not seem “Godly” or “Christian” to me. The usual argument for it, or rather, against death penalty is that only God can take away our lives, and so the most severe punishment that we should mete out a fellow man is reclusion perpetua, not death penalty.

Nakakakonsensya siguro maging judge meting(?) out the death penalty on anyone, kahit pa notorious criminal yun. However, I think the counterargument for it is that, by extension, while we carry on God’s charity, God’s creation, God’s love and power and mercy, why not, by extension, carry out God’s justice?

I think the next question would be how do we know exactly what God’s justice is? What is God’s brand of justice? What indicators are there to find out? A person’s conscience? A people’s collective conscience?

There is no universal acclaim for the death penalty, kahit pa nga parusa pa ‘yon, legally mandated, sa isang napaka-notorious na criminal. May perspective pa nga na primitive or barbaric ang death penalty. Did Jesus speak against it? I haven’t really and thoroughly checked on it. Even when He was meted out such a punishment, He did not say anything against it—or did He? Did everything He said get written down anyway?

Syempre, there are passages like “Love your enemies,” which I think is a big step up from the Golden Rule. But then, what really is love? Is it always about kindness toward everyone, even so-called “enemies”?

Is there no love in meting out death? Could there be none?

As a Christian (philosophically, at least), I know that if I mete out death on anyone, or allowed for such a thing to take place in my presence, I know I’d be uncomfortable. I know it would bother me. Would that be God “speaking out” His will in me?

I feel rage also when I hear of injustices done against the helpless. Like yung uncle ng friend ko na binaril nang dalawang beses sa mukha dahil lang sa pulitika. What really bothered me was that the murderer just simply, casually, walked away, and then rode off on a motorcycle. It was coldblooded. And in my initial rage, I wished for death—slow, painful, and scary death—for that murderer.

But would that be God in me enraged over what happened? Kahit ngayon na naiisip ko pa rin yun, I still feel anger toward that son of a _____, although now I’ve left enough steam off my head that I don’t wish death for him anymore. Just punishment. Just his conscience awakening in him, driving him mad for what he had done, and experiencing the pain he caused my friend’s family.

Naiisip ko, if it truly is God manifesting His will through us, we will have to be “whole”—complete; the totality of God’s present intention for us in this world. I’m sure the judges who mete out the death penalty do not give out such a punishment out of anger or prejudice; neither out of just pure logic. It would have to be them in their wholeness/completeness in God’s place and time. 

Radio gaga

(my journal entry dated November 28, 2011, a Wednesday)

Good morning! Sa inyo, sa inyo, at higit sa lahat, sa inyo. Ahehe. No, I’m not really in a good mood this morning. It’s just that I wanted a more “alive” introduction, and what else is more fitting, right? It’s past 5 a.m. I feel like a radio disc jockey. Except of course I’m writing this down instead of saying this on the mic. Hmm…how do I start the morning show, that is if I were indeed a dj? Hmm….

I’d start with a bit of Gregorian chant. Hey, this is my show, ok? I know, I know. Andaming matu-turn off. Ayaw na makinig. E parang Johnny Midnight lang naman yun e. Except syempre Gregorian Chant is not new age. Pang-relax lang ba (hmm…kakagising lang, tapos relax?) or pangpa-perspective(?) or pampakalma ng utak after being awakened by a most “distressing” alarm clock.

San na nga kaya si Johnny Midnight? Still alive? Yata. Napanood ko ata siya sa TV just last year. Naging fan kasi ni Nanay, ay mali pala. Naging fan ni Johnny Midnight (JM from here on) si Nanay dati e. That was in the early ‘80s. Madaling araw pa lang (or was it midnight?) gising na si Nanay and nakatutok na sa radyo. Meron din syang pyramid. Actually, dalawa yun. Yung isa, assembled from metal rods na kulay chrome yellow (or was it gold?), and the other one (which was much smaller) was made of cardboard na pwedeng isuot sa ulo na parang sumbrero.

Looking back at it now, nakakatawa. Pero, again, may senti kaunti. It’s part of your growing up years, syempre. May parang mantra (o dasal?) pa nga noon na nire-recite si JM. “Ako ang buhay, punlaaaa ng Lumikhaaaa….” Tapos susundan ng kanta ni Kuh Ledesma na “Bulaklak.” Ahehe.

Minsan, pag sobrang aga ako nagigising, pinapainom ako ni Nanay ng “toning” water. Whoa! Ngayon ko lang na-realize na yung “toning-toning” na sinasabi nila ay “toning,” as in the English word na “toning” (tow-ning), as in getting one’s body “toned” (tama ba?). Or was it “tuning,” as in getting your body “attuned” with the universe? Parang yung Buddhist chanting na ginagawa ni Tina Turner? “Ohmmmm….” Yung sa Beatles na kanta na “Across the Universe”? “Jai guru, deva…ohmmm…nothing’s gonna change my world….” Ahehe.

Of course, later on, when JM got passé, Nanay went on to El Shaddai. Again, early morning din, pero more charismatic Christian/Catholic naman. May programs talaga sa radio, pero ang naaalala ko talaga yung pagdating ng 6 a.m., pinapatugtog yung “Glory glory allelujah…In truth we’re marching on….” Senti na naman.

Si Nanay kasi ma-radyong tao yun. Nagluluto, naglalaba, namamalantsa, naka-radyo yun. And that was even before FM radio became popular, before pa naging Ingglisero at Ingglisera ang mga disc jockeys. I think.

Naaalala ko ang boses nila Helen Vela tsaka Tiya Dely. Para sakin, voice of reason sila e. Gabay ng mga tao. Ewan ko ba. Parang noon kasi, sila yung guide ng mga nanay noon. E ngayon, sino guide ng mga tao? Mga korning DJ. Ewan.

Just now, naririnig ko sa isip ko yung kanta ng Tatlong Pinoy (or was it Tatlong Itlog?). “Huwag kang tatanga-tanga…pagkat walang ospital sa taong tanga….” I remember this song kasi my kindergarten classmate used to dance to this. Ahehe. Home-grown talaga ang humor ng mga tao noon e. Tsaka ang galling ng timing. But enough of that…what’s next on my playlist?

Hmm…probably a couple of Bach or Mozart, and then Sim City 4 soundtrack. Yeah! Depende sa mood. Like if it’s not raining in the morning, Sim City 4 is cool. Pero kung maulan, pwedeng bossa nova. Talaga namang kina-career ang pagiging dj e. Ahehe.

It’s 6 a.m. already. I feel like going to the bathroom already. Nakaka-CR din kasi minsan ang pagse-senti. Ahehe. Is that Freudian? Eto naman kasing si Freud, may mga stages pa daw na oral, anal, etc. Ewan ko sayo. Last two lines na. I’ll finish up with a couple of lines from a favorite commercial jingle. “Rufina Patis, Rufina Patis…patis na may uring kataas-taasan. Ang patis Rufina’y pampalinamnam….” Yeah! Chapter!

Sadness

(journal entry dated December 29, 2011, a Thursday)

Nagising ako nang malungkot ngayong umaga. Di ko alam kung bakit o kung nanaginip ba ako ng malungkot kaya malungkot ang gising ko. Basta lang paulit-ulit sa isip ko yung kantang “La Paloma” na version ni Ely Buendia at theme song ng “Kingpin (The Asiong Salonga Story).” Siguro  kasi I had meant to watch it yesterday and I changed my mind and nagpahilot na lang ako sa bulag.

Along with “La Paloma,” paulit-ulit din sa isip ko yung gitara ng “Sleepwalker” nila Santo and Johnny. It’s like I’m missing something. Not missing as in nawawalan; “missing” as in may hinahanap-hanap.

It’s almost 2012 already. Noong nag-apply ako mag-work sa Inquirer in 1996, may tanong dun sa questionnaire nila. How do you see yourself in the next 5 years? 10 years? Sabi ko, dapat nakasulat na ako ng ilang libro. That was 1996. Dumating at umalis na ang 2006, wala pa din akong naisusulat na libro. Puro na lang plano. Hay.

Sa 2012 daw ang rapture. E pano kung wala pa din akong nagawa by then? Nanang ko. Baka mag-survive pa ako sa rapture para lang magsulat. Nalulunod na ako sa tsunami water tapos ang recurring thought sa utak ko is, “I have to survive kasi hindi ko pa napu-fulfill ang purpose ko. Kailangan ko pang magsulat.”

By the way. Hypothetical lang sa akin ang rapture in 2012 ha. Just in case lang. Hindi naman ako fanatic kasi. But I’m not making fun of those who are fanatical about it.

What depresses me, or rather part of what depresses me right now, is that I had wasted time. I mean, fifteen years! What have I been doing in the last 15 years?! By hook or crook, dapat talaga nagsusulat na ako e. I should find time to do it.

It’s not okay to put the blame on distractions kasi distractions are a fact of life. My day-to-day existence is just not so organized. Kailangan dapat…I don’t know. I deeply suspect that kind of life is not really living either. But then, what kind of life is? Spontaneity? Pwede siguro yun if you’re one of those who have no inkling of a life purpose. So you have no choice but to simply “make the most of this life” as it comes. Basically, suckling the life force off the bone marrow—tama bang expression ko?

But then, who says you can’t do both—doing what you have to do and making the most of this life (provided, of course, that “making the most of this life” is giving in to distractions—gaya ng sa pelikula ni Jim Carrey na “Yes Man”)? O baka naman kaya, yun na yun? As in, you make the most of this life BY doing what you have to do, by hook or by crook?

Just yesterday, it became clearer to me that being wise about this life is being attached to it AND detached from it, alternately, from time to time. Being “into things” is wise from time to time, and being detached from things is also wise from time to time. Ang tanong: Tuwing kelan? Tuwing kelan ka ba dapat maging intimate with this life and tuwing kelan ba dapat maging impersonal (as in seeing things from the perspective of someone outside of yourself)?

Second question: Kailangan ba talaga maging wise? Hindi kaya destiny na lang yun, na yung iba meron nun, and yung iba, meron din pero up to a certain degree? I mean, kailangan ba talaga mag-strive, mag-exert ng effort para maging wise? Which is not to say hindi kailangan, pero ang concern ko is kailangan bang mag-“extra mile” maging wise? Hindi kaya folly na yun?

Sa Bible ata yun, “with wisdom is sadness,”or something to that effect. Pero hindi ba pwede maging wise and happy at the same time? Ewan for now. Chapter.