So, what?

(excerpt from my journal entry dated February 8, 2012, a Wednesday)

Napagalitan ko si Tatay nung isang araw. Kasi, kapag wala daw ako, panay daw ang demand ng pagkain kina Ate Gina or Kuya Jing. Kasi daw yung meryenda niya, hindi daw siya nabubusog. Sabi ko, “Tay, ang meryenda pantawid-gutom lang dapat ‘yun, hindi pampabusog.” Tutal kasi, maya-maya lang, maghahapunan na siya. So, bakit kailangan pa niya magpakabusog nang husto? Ewan.

We get along more smoothly these days, in fairness to him. He doesn’t contradict me as much as before and I rarely nag at him. Not that I’m a nagger. I just say what I have to say (as firmly as I can), and then let it go. ‘Yun na ‘yun. I don’t dwell on it with much talk . . . .

I haven’t posted a new entry on my blog this week. I have to focus on that also. And my short stories and essays. I have listed down my Palanca entries for this year, but I still haven’t got around to starting any of them. Eto ang nakakainis kapag kumpiyansa ka sa kakayahan mo, e. Pabanjing-banjing.

Anlalaki ng sulat ko a. It’s because of this ballpen. Anlaki kasi ng ball point. I don’t know which is better: writing this big or writing smaller as with the ballpen I had before? But I might go back to the old ballpen. I feel more at ease with writing really small, albeit mahirap basahin. But then, who else is going to read this except me?

Just now, I imagined myself really old and with very blurry vision, and I’d have someone read these entries aloud to me, and then the reader stumbles on words written really, really small, and he/she would consult me about it, and I wouldn’t have any idea what the word is since I myself couldn’t read it—what with my impaired vision. Aaargh!

But then I don’t expect to live that long. I mean, if I live that long, would it make me happy? Yeah, sure, that would give me more time to accomplish more things and fulfill more dreams that would come along. But then comes this notion about life and its vanities. I don’t know.

Sometimes, ‘yung purpose na iniisip ko na para sa akin, iniisip ko kung para saan nga ba ‘yun. To what end? Naiisip ko din na perhaps it’s merely to satisfy the ego, which I sometimes think is rather selfish. Lots of questions and answers, all extended and furthered on with “So, what?”

“It will feed the hungry.” So, what? There will still be hungry people everywhere.

“It will explain the mysteries of the universe.” So, what? You will still have to live with the complications of the universe whether you get to explain it or not.

Ultimately, no matter how vain it is, living in the moment is just the most sensible thing there is. While it’s exciting to live with the future in mind, living fully in the moment has its own rewards that no “So, what?” can take away. And it's not even about the ego.