Sadness

(journal entry dated December 29, 2011, a Thursday)

Nagising ako nang malungkot ngayong umaga. Di ko alam kung bakit o kung nanaginip ba ako ng malungkot kaya malungkot ang gising ko. Basta lang paulit-ulit sa isip ko yung kantang “La Paloma” na version ni Ely Buendia at theme song ng “Kingpin (The Asiong Salonga Story).” Siguro  kasi I had meant to watch it yesterday and I changed my mind and nagpahilot na lang ako sa bulag.

Along with “La Paloma,” paulit-ulit din sa isip ko yung gitara ng “Sleepwalker” nila Santo and Johnny. It’s like I’m missing something. Not missing as in nawawalan; “missing” as in may hinahanap-hanap.

It’s almost 2012 already. Noong nag-apply ako mag-work sa Inquirer in 1996, may tanong dun sa questionnaire nila. How do you see yourself in the next 5 years? 10 years? Sabi ko, dapat nakasulat na ako ng ilang libro. That was 1996. Dumating at umalis na ang 2006, wala pa din akong naisusulat na libro. Puro na lang plano. Hay.

Sa 2012 daw ang rapture. E pano kung wala pa din akong nagawa by then? Nanang ko. Baka mag-survive pa ako sa rapture para lang magsulat. Nalulunod na ako sa tsunami water tapos ang recurring thought sa utak ko is, “I have to survive kasi hindi ko pa napu-fulfill ang purpose ko. Kailangan ko pang magsulat.”

By the way. Hypothetical lang sa akin ang rapture in 2012 ha. Just in case lang. Hindi naman ako fanatic kasi. But I’m not making fun of those who are fanatical about it.

What depresses me, or rather part of what depresses me right now, is that I had wasted time. I mean, fifteen years! What have I been doing in the last 15 years?! By hook or crook, dapat talaga nagsusulat na ako e. I should find time to do it.

It’s not okay to put the blame on distractions kasi distractions are a fact of life. My day-to-day existence is just not so organized. Kailangan dapat…I don’t know. I deeply suspect that kind of life is not really living either. But then, what kind of life is? Spontaneity? Pwede siguro yun if you’re one of those who have no inkling of a life purpose. So you have no choice but to simply “make the most of this life” as it comes. Basically, suckling the life force off the bone marrow—tama bang expression ko?

But then, who says you can’t do both—doing what you have to do and making the most of this life (provided, of course, that “making the most of this life” is giving in to distractions—gaya ng sa pelikula ni Jim Carrey na “Yes Man”)? O baka naman kaya, yun na yun? As in, you make the most of this life BY doing what you have to do, by hook or by crook?

Just yesterday, it became clearer to me that being wise about this life is being attached to it AND detached from it, alternately, from time to time. Being “into things” is wise from time to time, and being detached from things is also wise from time to time. Ang tanong: Tuwing kelan? Tuwing kelan ka ba dapat maging intimate with this life and tuwing kelan ba dapat maging impersonal (as in seeing things from the perspective of someone outside of yourself)?

Second question: Kailangan ba talaga maging wise? Hindi kaya destiny na lang yun, na yung iba meron nun, and yung iba, meron din pero up to a certain degree? I mean, kailangan ba talaga mag-strive, mag-exert ng effort para maging wise? Which is not to say hindi kailangan, pero ang concern ko is kailangan bang mag-“extra mile” maging wise? Hindi kaya folly na yun?

Sa Bible ata yun, “with wisdom is sadness,”or something to that effect. Pero hindi ba pwede maging wise and happy at the same time? Ewan for now. Chapter.