Just do it!

(excerpt from my journal entry dated November 16, 2011, a Wednesday)

Kakatapos lang ng morning NC (nutrition club) ko. I have time to write. In a way, I can’t say this is such a bad job. I mean I am my own boss, for one. And I work only 2 hours per each session of NC. And of course, I don’t have to work on weekends. And of course, it’s entirely up to me whether to make my business grow faster or just be more laid back, depending on how aggressive I am about it. I’m also learning a lot—about interacting with people, product presentations, marketing, health and wellness, etc.  Okay na rin. Financially, okay lang din. Medyo demanding lang sa oras kasi nga sa Ortigas pa ako nag-e-NC. E kung sa bahay lang namin, or somewhere nearby, e di malaki ang matitipid ko.

Mas preferred ko pa rin ang mag-business for myself rather than keep an 8-hour-a-day job. Which brings to mind kung bakit daw di ako nagtuloy sa work sa dyaryo or sa TV. Malaki daw kita dun, sabi sa akin dati ni Tatay. Dati, kasi he doesn’t nag me about it anymore.


Bilang college graduate, people are conditioned to expect that you’ll end up with a job related to your course. So, pagka-graduate ko, I almost pursued a career as a journalist. I worked as proofreader sa Inquirer, which was an entry level position if you wanted to become a reporter (or eventually an editor) in that newspaper. But then I did not pass their standards (or rather I did not pass the standards of just one person there—but that is another story altogether). Anyhow, when they told me about it, napasimba ako sa Baclaran nun. It was around midnight, I think, kasi ang tapos ng shift namin noon sa Inquirer was 10 p.m. Andun ako sa likod ng simbahan, crying. Ahehe. Kainis i-admit, pero totoo.

Eventually, however, I realized I did not really want to become a news reporter. For one, it’s too hectic a job for me. And parang mauuta ako sa ganung klase ng trabaho, what with running after politicians for their quotes day after day. And hearing them talk on TV, just how much of what you hear is actually worth it? I have plenty of quotable quotes up in my head already, why run after theirs? Ahehe. Humahangin na.

Anyway, basta 9–5 jobs just don’t appeal to me anymore. Why work for somebody else when I can work for myself? I am secure enough to withstand the risks, I suppose. But one thing that I don’t want to compromise anymore is my creativity. I don’t want other people to dictate how I should employ my creativity anymore. I’m at the point in my life when I need to define ME, what I can do to contribute to make the world a better place. Naks!

Syempre, di mo maiiwasan may magsasabi na tamad lang daw ako. Duh! Of course, I am tamad. But I am only “tamad” in the sense that other people keep to their 9–5 jobs because they are “masipag.” Get my drift?


The only difference is that I work to fill up my own pockets, while most employees work to fill up most other people’s pockets. In the same way that I write here because the genius must out (naks na naman!), while others write for I’m not sure who and I don’t care why. Ahehe.

In the end, it all boils down to one thing: knowing what you want from life and finding (or rather, daring) a way or ways to get there. Selfish ba? I don’t know. Siguro. But then, kahit ano naman yata ang gawin natin sa buhay, we will always act with our self interests in mind.


Pero, incidentally, kahit ano naman din ang gawin natin sa buhay in pursuit of our self interests, still there are people who stand to benefit from our efforts. Basta siguro iwasan mo na lang na makasakit ka o makatapak ka ng ibang tao deliberately. Which is just the one caution to keep in mind, I guess. The rest, of course, adheres to the Nike slogan: Just do it! Yeah! Chapter.

The kindness of (oblivious) strangers

(excerpt from my journal entry dated November 17, 2011, a Thursday)

Amoy adobo.

Andito ako ngayon sa pantry ng ____, at habang nagsusulat ako, may kasabay akong kumakain ng adobo at kanin. Hmm. Sarap. Pero hindi na kasi ako ganun kadali matakam sa masasarap na pagkain e. I mean since nag-Herbalife ako, kahit dumaan ako sa mga nag-iihaw ng barbecue, etc.—wa epek. Pwede pa siguro kung bago sa panlasa ko yung pagkaing nasa harap ko. I mean kung food yun na hindi ko pa natitikman. I’m sure I’d be curious. And if it happens that I ate a bit and found that I like it, I’d probably stuff myself up, since, syempre, minsan lang ako makakain nang ganun, so why not make the most of it, right?

Ansarap magsulat pag sobrang tahimik ang paligid and walang kaingay-ingay. By ingay, I mean yung ingay na indicative ng presence of “life”—or basically “interesting” things—things that catch your interest (duh!).

So, may kasama ako ngayon dito, kumakain sya ng adobo. Wouldn’t that constitute as noise? For me, no. Kasi, yun nga, hindi naman ako interested sa ginagawa niya.

Second, mag-isa lang siyang kumakain. I can easily isolate him from my frame of interest (you know, turn him into a “nonliving thing”) at the moment. Unless of course, dalawa silang kumakain and nagsimula silang mag-converse. This conversation could then catch my interest (become “noise” to me) since what they’re talking about would most probably be something new to me (despite the familiarity of the shared experiences of the human race). For example, let’s say they started talking about a colleague who died. As much as death is a common experience, still it would be distracting to me because it would still be something “new” since the unknown elements (the who, what, where, when, why and how factors) need to be filled in. In short, we’re naturally chismosos/chismosas, and man, this is getting long winded. Ahehe.

Third. I don’t think the person with me at the table would strike up a conversation with me at anytime. He can see I’m busy writing, and it’s predictable each of us would mind his own business. I mean, I’m more interested in my writing, and he’s more interested in his eating, why bother one another, right? In other words, his potential to distract me is improbable. He is not a threat, sabi nga sa military.

Fourth, and this is the coup de grace. I don’t know him, he doesn’t know me. We’re strangers to each other. Duh! Ahehe.

See how much nonsense there is in this world without seeming nonsensical? I suspect there’s so many public personalities out there (politicians, for example) who are well adept at the same thing. Ugh! I am laughing right now. I can’t help myself. Umalis na yung kasabay ko sa mesa, and he doesn’t see that I’m laughing all by myself. But even if he’s still around, I don’t think I’d even bother with what he would think upon seeing me laugh. I think he’d be tactful enough not to voice out his…err...findings? Ahehe.

That’s the advantage of being around strangers. You can dismiss them from your frame of concern and move on with your life, and they can do the same to you. That’s the kindness of strangers turning their backs on you.

Man, are we giddy today or what? Journal writing is so liberating. Many times people have found me weird talking all by myself. I think that’s real freedom. Sabi nga ng isang napanood ko, real freedom daw yun, when you can think aloud and not care about what others would think or say about you. Hehe. Yeah! I feel great!

Thoughts one rainy night

(excerpt  from my journal entry dated November 11, 2011, a Friday)

After several days without rain, it rained. Kakatapos lang. Anlagkit sa balat ng resultang singaw ng init, but it’s so welcome. I like the rain. The sound it makes, the distant thunder. The wet leaves and grass. Frogs croaking, although you barely hear them anymore because almost everywhere has been cemented over…

I like the rain because I grew up with lots of memories of the rain. Or rather, what I was doing when it rained. I remember waking up on rainy mornings and I had to get ready for school, or when school’s out on Saturday mornings, waking up to the smell of champorado and curling up on the sofa while watching Saturday morning cartoons, safe and snug in the house while the world outside washed up. The cool air, the clean smell of a wet world.

Nang hindi pa tinatadtad ng subdivision itong lugar namin, there were lots of open spaces. And trees. And when rainclouds came up, you’d easily see them over the horizon. The sky became dim as the dark clouds approached overhead, and the air became cooler. Cool, violent wind blew over the grass and the leaves of trees. Thunders roared. The sky became a beautiful beautiful blue violet and grey. Just before the rains fell, the colors all around were sharpened, albeit softened around the edges. Is it the end of the world, you asked yourself. Something’s going to happen. And you hoped it’s going to bring about something new, something to break from the boredom of everyday humdrum.

When the rains came, the entire family sat together at the dinner table. Sometimes there were power outages. And your family ate by candle light. And young as you are and small and easily embraceable in your parents’ arms, you felt so loved and so cared for amidst the storm outside. Just sitting down with them at dinner was enough.

This continued in the living room after dinner, when the power was still out. Your parents talked, and their voices comforted you with security, while outside, the frogs and crickets lull you to sleep with the sound of their rejoicing over the renewal of life.

I’m getting bored. Why am I writing now? Isabel’s already finished with the computer. I’m next, but I can’t leave yet because I have to finish this page. Pacquaio–Marquez? What of them? I’m proud of Manny Pacquiao because he’s such a great athlete and a very kind and generous Filipino. And noble, if I may say so. What makes him noble? Geez...It’s with the pride, I think, in being who you are, what you are, regardless of what other people might think. He prays openly, notwithstanding the goings-on around him. He does what he likes doing, bestowing kindness and compassion toward the needy, not caring what other people say. I’m proud to be Filipino, and just like Batista (the wrestler), I consider Pacquiao one of the reasons why.

What’s with my writing tonight? Maybe I forced it? Truth is, I only started writing hoping that I’d be inspired enough to stumble upon another potential blog entry. But to heck with that, I’m just going to write. That’s it. No intended blog entries here. Just write. Free the mind from malicious (ahehe) intents. Maybe tomorrow, or on some other future entries, I’d have it. Tonight, no. This entry is shitty.

It’s amazing how my brain also pauses with my thoughts when my hand has not yet finished writing one thought down. And then it starts again, when the writing of the previous thought is finished. How cool is that?! Chapter!

Perya memories

(excerpted from my journal entry dated November 17, 2011, a Thursday)

Malapit na piyesta dito samin. Nagsasabit na sila ng banderitas sa kalsada. I would have liked it if we have buntings dito sa tapat namin, pero isip ko mabuti na rin na wala na kasi dagdag basura lang pagkatapos ng piyesta. Pero nakakatuwa pakinggan yung tunog ng mga banderitas kapag hinahangin. Nakaka-senti.

Nang bata pa kami, may peryang pumupunta dito samin. Sa may basketball court sila. Halos gabi-gabi ako sumasakay sa ferris wheel. I remember it was mainly to prove that I was not afraid of heights, that I could conquer my fear of heights. Just now, I'm starting to think, did I really enjoy those rides? Hmm...

Naalala ko din noon may mga palabas din sa perya showcasing magicians, oddities, a macabre play on demonic possession (wherein the devil possesses a young girl and the great "Madam Deo" exorcises the girl, and the devil comes out of the girl through the girl's mouth in the form of a live frog. Anggaling ng story, tapos may sound effect pa ng demonic voice and laughter, tapos may special effect pa na lumulutang sa ere yung possessed girl as she lay down—or was it the entire bed that floated? Anyway, the effect was so vivid to me), what else?

Ah....may floorshow din pala. Hehe. May dancer na naka-two-piece bikini na sumayaw onstage, tapos nearing the end of the dance, bigla niyang hinubad yung bra niya (pero syempre hawak niya or rather tinatakpan nya ng kamay yung mga nipples niya). Syempre nagkagulo na sa ligalig ang mga tao. Tapos, biglang nagpagulong-gulong (or naglupasay? ano bang tamang term sa pagsasayaw while lying down?) na sa stage yung babae while dancing topless. E medyo mataas yung stage, kaya ayun, everyone was standing up on the benches trying to catch a glimpse of her elusive nipples. Ahehe.

I also remember na may mga time na yung perya may oddity ng isang babaeng ipinaglihi daw sa palaka. Meron syang malaking billboard showing her green frog-like body with a female human head, and her eyes were looking out straight at you. Nightly, we could hear the host interviewing the frog lady on loudspeakers, enticing people to watch the frog lady demonstrate her abilities, e.g. writing with her frog-like hands, etc.


I didn't get to see the show at all. In truth, I didn't go to the perya at all that year kahit na ilang linggo pa yung perya na yun samin. Why? Because for one reason or other, I was frightened by her billboard. From afar, I could see her eyes staring at me, and I remember I get weak-kneed, you know? Like Superman presented with kryptonite, ahehe.

May Ate kami (kapitbahay namin) na naging boyfriend niya yung ferris wheel operator, so there was a chance na malibre kami ng sakay. Noong sasakay na kami (our last chance to ride free kasi mismong araw ng piyesta yun and aalis na yung perya kinabukasan), napapayag nila akong sumama sa kanila. Pero nang malapit na kami sa perya kung saan tanaw ko na yung billboard ni frog lady, ayun, na-agitate na ako, until finally I turned back for home.

Just a few years ago, I was at Star City (or was it Boom na Boom Carnival?) and I saw that they had the same show. The billboard was still the same, depicting the same thing, although I thought the billboard was much smaller now. Being older, I didn't have qualms about looking at it, the thing I dreaded years and years ago. I stared directly into the frog lady's eyes, and they weren't as frightening as when I was young. Nga lang, naramdaman ko, parang sumakit ang ulo ko. Ewan ko ba. Chapter muna! 

My spirituality

(excerpted from my journal entry dated November 13, 2011, a Sunday)

Last night (a Saturday) was the first time in many months that I heard Mass again. “Napilitan” ako magsimba kasi nagpa-drive sa akin ng kotse si Ate Cynthia kasama mga pamangkin ko. Maggo-grocery daw sila konti, then simba na. Ok…

I think my spirituality clings to two Gospel passages. I don’t know the chapter and verse numbers (although now I’m realizing that I should memorize them), pero they are about (1) doing what we have to do in this life* and (2) establishing a relationship with God “in spirit and in truth.”**


The second one Jesus made known when He said to the Samaritan woman at the well that the time will come when we no longer have to go to Jerusalem or anywhere else to worship God, because by then wherever we are, whatever our circumstance, we will worship God in spirit and in truth. On these passages I base my Christian spirituality. Syempre, given na dun yung Golden Rule at yung first two commandments ng Sampung Utos.

I don’t go to Church every Sunday, not because I don’t consider it important. If it’s important and beneficial to many people (for their spirituality) then I suppose, individualist as I am, I am nonetheless duty-bound to understand and even defend it. I mean, it’s important to me, too, but not in the same sense that it’s important for the devout—let’s get that clear right away.


I don’t worship in Church often because, knowing myself, I know I’d get easily distracted. By so many things. Mostly, by my own attitude. I don’t like taking baths as I’ve often said, and you might ask, can’t you go to Church without taking a bath? Yes, of course. But then I’d be conscious about the way I smell, so much so that I won’t get to focus at all. Ambabaw, ano?

But I think the deeper reason for this is that in our culture, we tend to worship God out of a sense of obligation—every Sunday, at this time, at this place, with this kind of demeanor, an adherence to certain dress codes, etc. I can understand that, simply because at Church services, you don’t worship alone—you worship in communion with others. And so you don’t run the risk of offending people, what with the way you dress up or the way you smell (in case you didn’t take a bath or brush your teeth—another very trivial, albeit important, thing for me). Hay.

But I’ve made it a habit to pray everyday. Every morning when I wake up, every night before going to sleep, and syempre before meals. In between these, I worship under so many varied circumstances. I’ve worshipped while in the bathroom, while in bed, on the bus or jeepney, even while doing leg lifts and ab crunches. Irreverent ba? But then what is reverence?

Out of social obligations, you adhere to reverence. I mean dumating si Mayor o di kaya si Pnoy sa bahay nyo, what do you do? You welcome them with reverence, right? So basically what is reverence? Fear of overstepping your social boundaries? I don’t want to worship God with that! I want to worship God with love and honesty and adoration. Pag may dumalaw bang artista sa bahay nyo and lubos mong hinahangaan at minamahal yung artistang yun, do you go about welcoming that artista with reverence? Duh! You scream with joy, right? You express your elation, your joy over seeing them for the first time. You want to hug them and kiss them. Man, if you did that in Church… I don’t know. Cross the bridge and you’ll know for yourself. Ahehe.

But in fairness to worshipping in Church, I love singing Church songs. Minsan nga yun lang ang pinakaaabangan ko e (bukod sa Gospel reading). Why? Because I become more “up there” when I sing. I feel I worship God more when I sing. Sabi nga ni St. Augustine, he who sings prays twice. Well, it’s true. At least, for me, I don’t know about you… But I guess it’s the same thing with this journal. Writing here, I have the privilege to be irreverent and oblivious enough not to care whether wrong grammar ako or my logic is somewhat twisted. It’s MY journal. In the same manner, it’s MY relationship with God. And I believe God loves me for being me (the me that I’m realizing with the help of this journal), not because I adhere to whatever every Tom, Dick and Harry should be like.

As for the first basis of my faith (doing what we have to do in this life), I still am trying to discern that. On that one, I follow my instincts. God gave me the ability to write, ergo I write. God gave me drawing and painting skills, so I draw and paint. What else? I suppose God also gave me my own brand of sensitivity to and perception of things and people and happenings around me—what do I do with them? Channel them to willing minds, I guess. With so much noise out there what with people speaking their minds out all the time, I don’t see why I can’t add my own voice. There are some nonsensical things I write here. Hopefully, this one makes sense. Amen! Chapter muna!

*Luke 12:47–48

**John 4:21–24

Ecology

(excerpted from my journal entries dated October 16 and October 26, 2010)

I had already told Tatay what doctors say about stroke. Sabi, pag na-stroke ka, six months lang ang natitira mong panahon to get back (or regain) your “lost” abilities. Bakit? Kasi, pag namatay na daw ang brain cells, nerves, etc., hindi na daw kayang buhayin uli. With Herbalife naman, pwede naman daw i-reverse yun, as in pwede pa daw gumaling.

Isa sa mga doctors ng Herbalife (Louie Ignarro) won the Nobel Prize for proving just that, with nitric oxide. I got excited about this kasi naalala ko noong nagpapagamot si Nanay ng gangrene nya as a result of diabetes complication. There was this doctor who was trying to revive the nerves in her legs. “Namatay” na daw kasi. Or was it atherosclerosis? Basically, occlusion lang naman daw iyon. So, pag natanggal na yung bara, then pwede pala ma-revive yung tissues in the affected area? Tapos gagaling na din yung pagkabulok ng tissue (gangrene)? Wow.

Para palang halaman o vegetation ang mga nerves and tissues natin. Nare-revive kahit “naputol” na, or muling tumutubo kahit namatay na kunwari. Parang halaman nga. Pag di mo diniligan, nalalanta o di kaya, “nagtatampo.” Pero pag nadiligan naman at inalagaan mo sa dilig, pwede palang ma-revive at muling sumibol.

Minsan, pumasok sa isip ko: Kung ang mga tao parang puno lang, this would be a very well-sustained planet. Bakit?  Kasi trees can survive on small plots of land with just very little water, plenty of sunlight and recycled nutrients from the soil. In short, trees maximize their resources to sustain themselves. Ang galing talaga ni God. Unfortunately sa ngayon, we humans have filled up our living spaces with so much concrete structures—roads, buildings, etc.—with very little vegetation around. Para tayong cancer cells on the face of the planet. This is not a good practice, ecology wise.

Dapat kasi, energy should not remain in one state for long periods of time. It should be efficiently stored, used up (transformed), and then conveyed to other “energy containers.” Just like with the leaves of plants: sunlight hits the leaves, leaves make use of sunlight to “cook” the plant’s “food” (which is conveyed and stored in the plant’s fruit), which in turn provides “energy” (in a different form) for creatures who get to eat the fruit.

But in the case of sunlight hitting a concrete structure, say, a cemented sidewalk, walang nangyayaring ganung process. Umiinit lang yung semento, nag-e-evaporate yung natitirang moisture sa semento, what else? The next day, the sun rises up again, the same thing happens. Unless you fry eggs on the heated up sidewalk, or magkula ka ng damit mo dun gaya ng mga ginagawa ng mga labandera noon. Ahehe. They’re built for our comfort mainly. But the inefficiency that characterizes this process not only does not do anything in support of life on the planet, it also contributes to the planet’s imbalance.

May mga theories na nagsasabi na global warming is just the beginning of a global cataclysmic event. Pero may mga nagsasabi rin na cycle lang naman daw ito and that it’s bound to happen anyway—only to subside when things have reached the (upper or lower?) limits. Ewan.

Kung cycle nga lang ito, still it doesn’t take out the fact (or observation?) that the world we live in now is imbalanced in so many ways, and that the intensified phenomena we’re experiencing at the moment are the earth’s ways to self-regulate or regain its balance. Sabi nga ng napanood ko sa National Geographic, typhoons and hurricanes (may difference ba?) are like the planet’s airconditioning system. Through them, the planet vents the high temperatures that it contains (or has been containing for long periods of time).

Again, ang energy hindi dapat nananatili sa isang estado, or “contained” sa isang material lang, for a long time. It should be transformed, it should be conveyed. Kung hindi mangyari ito, then it causes changes to happen to the containing material (or “clashes” with it in extreme cases) or is vented into another channel with “unpleasant” effects. There should be balance among the elements, otherwise the elements will clash with one another and will continue to do so until balance is regained. In the meantime, creatures such as ourselves can’t do anything about these “clashes” (in the form of super typhoons, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, etc.) except to weather them. And while doing that, just how do we preserve ourselves from the devastation?

P.S. I'm not against concrete structures. Naisip ko lang, in developing our living spaces, maybe it's time we employ materials that would let energy "flow" unimpeded, as much as possible. We Filipinos are known for our ingenuity. Other than boxing and singing and standing out in beauty pageants, can't we showcase this time around more of our ingenuity in the realm of science and technology?

On writing down ideas

(excerpt from my journal entry dated October 7, 2010)

Ideas. Ideas. Mas gusto kong nagsusulat tungkol sa mga ideas. Dati, ayokong nagsusulat ng mga ideas kasi sabi ng teacher ko sa college, masyado daw mabilis ang dating ng mga ideas sa akin at hindi makasabay ang pagsusulat ko. O baka naman mabagal lang ako magsulat kumpara sa dating ng mga ideas sa isip ko?


Dati, gusto ko matuto mag-steno. Pero sa tingin ko ngayon, hindi na siguro kailangan kasi mukhang nakakasabay na—as in nag-ja-jive na—‘yung dating ng mga ideas at ang pagsusulat ko. Nagkakasabay na sila. Parang nag-aadjust ang isip ko sa limitasyon ng pagsusulat ko.

Pag nagsusulat ako dito sa journal, parang pagsusulat ng mga tao noon, noong hindi pa uso ang computers. Ilang taon din kasi akong naging dependent sa computer sa pagsusulat e. Noong ganoon pa ang sistema ko, madalas nakatunganga lang ako sa computer monitor kasi nauubusan ako ng isusulat. Mabuti na rin ito. Dire-diretso lang ang sulat ko. Walang pakialam sa outcome ng buong “article.”

Sabi nga ng nabasa ko sa isang magazine on writing, mas mainam daw na magsulat ka nang magsulat ng kahit na ano. Di hamak kasi na mas madali mag-edit ng mga nakasulat na, kesa mag-edit ng mga blangkong pahina. Tama nga naman. Pero hindi ko akalain na karamihan sa mga naiisip ko kababawan. Akala ko dati matalino ako kasi akala ko malalalim lahat ang mga ideya na pumapasok sa isip ko. Tapos nang nagsimula na ako magsulat dito, wala lang pala. Nauubusan pa nga ako ng sasabihin e. Hehe. Daanin na lang sa tawa.

Siguro ang gagawin ko na lang, magsusulat ako ng mga topics (mga malalalim na topics) sa maliit na notebook ko, tapos yung mga topics na yun ang i-e-expound ko dito. Ganun na nga lang siguro. Gaya nyan, naubusan na naman ako ng sasabihin.

Gusto kong sumali at manalo sa Palanca Awards. Di dahil sa anupaman, naisip ko lang kasi yung prestige kapag nanalo ka doon. It would somehow help me have people take a second look into the ideas I write about. Ang hirap kasi dito sa society natin, kahit pa qualified ka, as long as hindi ka titulado, hindi ka papaniwalaan. Or dapat nagpakabihasa ka muna sa isang larangan bago ka makapagbigay ng kuro-kuro sa isang specialized na problema. Naisip ko tuloy yung sinabi ni Leonardo da Vinci: Para masabing matalino sila, mas maraming tao daw na mas gugustuhin pang mag-quote ng trabaho ng ibang dalubhasa kesa mag-isip para sa sarili nila. Hmp! Chapter!

Lola Sabel and a couple of ghost stories

(excerpt from my journal entry dated November 13, 2011, a Sunday)

It was Lola Isabel’s birthday pala on November 11. Noong buhay pa si Nanay, lagi niya ipinaghahanda ang birthday ni Lola Sabel kahit patay na si Lola. Tapos noon ngang namatay na rin si Nanay, ayun, pati birthday ni Lola nakalimutan na rin namin.


Ganun naman talaga ata e. When you die, people tend to forget about you. Gradually, of course. Kasi nga people have to get on with their lives. And living is definitely not mostly about the dead, right? I mean, at least, if you’re not a spirit questor or a medium. Or if you’re not a filmmaker obsessed with zombies—hehe. But even if you are, I don’t think you’d bother with names, dates and places regarding the dead, right? I mean, in zombie movies, most ghouls are just cardboard characters—they have no character development, whatsoever. They’re just mindless, voracious flesh-eating die-hard recently dead corpses. Okay, maybe some are not recently dead. By some voodoo magic, there are some corpses who rise up with “the funk of 40,000 years,” sabi nga ni Vincent Price. Anyway, that’s that about Lola Sabel’s birthday. From her birthday to zombies—what a connection! Hehe.

Lola succumbed to diabetes complications also, just like Nanay, Lolo Doro and Tio Efren. I remember the morning she died. She had been staying with us for several years already. Nanay was taking care of her because she had developed gangrene on a foot (I forget which foot). Hindi naman siya nasugatan e, unlike Nanay na nakalmot ng pusa yung binti kaya nagkasugat and nagka-gangrene. Basta ang alam ko, namula lang yung talampakan niya, tapos yun pala namumuo or may naiipong dugo na pala dun sa area na yun ng talampakan niya, hanggang sa namaga na iyon na parang may nana underneath. So, nung “napunit” yung balat niya on that area, 'yun na. Did I have to go into details? Hehe.

She was wailing the whole night long, seeing dead relatives at her bedside, out her window, etc. Yung mga taong dumadaan sa bahay namin that night, I can only imagine their reaction as they passed by and heard her cries. Baka kumaripas ng takbo. Hehe. I know this so, because I had insomnia around that time. Nanay was attending to her the whole night long, and she didn’t get to sleep much either.


Tapos, nung umaga na, ayun—graduate na sya. Inutusan ako ni Nanay na pumunta sa payphone sa kanto (sa may labasan sa highway pa) para tawagan sila Tito Meng and Tito Turo sa Pasay to tell them na yun nga, there’s death in the family. Wala pa kasing telepono sa lugar namin noon e. When I got home, naabutan ko sila Nanay and her kumara praying with lighted candles. Dito na din siya sa bahay binihisan e, sa may kwarto niya.

For several nights na kulang sa tulog si Nanay, she finally got the chance to sleep. Tapos nang natutulog na daw siya, meron daw babae na umupo sa may ulunan sa gilid ng kama niya, and the lady was caressing her hair. Syempre, hinala ni Nanay, momo yun. But then, she was too tired to get scared and be bothered. Bahala ka maghihihimas dyan, isip daw niya, matutulog ako.

There was one incident that I find very strange. Since insomniac nga ako then, dumating yung time na inantok din ako, and the only place I could sleep in was Lola’s bedroom. So dun nga ako natulog. The next day, my cousin Myrna said to me that they (she and our other cousins) were calling me when they saw me emerge from Lola’s bedroom. Apparently, I had awakened daw and went out to the living room and out on the streets, barefooted.  They were calling me, but I didn’t seem to hear them. I had a “look-around” the house, out on the street (where a tolda was set up) and then went back to sleep again. I don’t remember doing any of those things. Was I sleepwalking? Probably. But I don’t sleepwalk. I got possessed? Ahehe. Perhaps I could be a medium? Hmm…pwedeng sideline. Hehe. What else?

Ah, yes. Another strange thing. Months before Lola died, my father, my sisters and Lola Sabel were in the living room, watching TV. My father and one of my sisters (Tina) happened to look in the direction of the window, and may nakita daw silang matandang lalaki with stooped shoulders wearing a white shirt na naglakad nang mabilis across the window. Akala ni Tatay, magnanakaw, kasi nakapasok sa likod ng bahay e. So, pinaabangan niya kay Tina sa bintana kung dadaan daw uli sa bintana yung mama and aabangan naman ni Tatay sa labas ng bahay. E wala naman tao dun. So yun na yun—may umepal na momo sa bintana namin. Ahehe.

Now, noong burol ni Lola sa bahay, the same thing happened to my cousins. Bantay sila sa ataol ni Lola, kasi nga kaugalian or paniniwala nating mga Pinoy na bawal iwanan ang patay. The basis for this belief is that there are “creatures of the night” in Pinoy myths that are body snatchers daw. I read somewhere na kung meron daw patay somewhere near, nag-aamoy langka daw sa “bango” yung bangkay and it whets their appetite. Yum-yum! Hehe. So, they “snatch” the bodies and replace it with the “bark” of a banana tree (or plant, whichever you prefer), which by some voodoo magic, they “transform” into a resemblance of the dead person in the eyes of ordinary mortals. They can’t do this if there’s at least one person guarding the corpse. So that’s that.

So, yun nga, bantay sila pinsan kay Lola. There were three of them, I think. Then bigla daw may kaluskos silang naririnig sa bintana ng living room, as if someone was scratching against the window screen. At first, they didn’t pay attention to it. They couldn’t see it anyway kasi may kurtina yung bintana. Pero persistent daw yung ingay and lalo pang lumakas. So, nagdecide sila na silipin kung ano yun. Usapan nila, sabay-sabay daw nilang hahawiin yung kurtina and sisilip sa bintana. Yun nga ang ginawa nila and pagsilip nila—ayun! Dumaan uli si old man “with the Hanes t-shirt” daw. Sa sobrang takot daw nila, napahangos daw sila sa kusina. It’s funny kasi yung isa daw pinsan namin was on all fours, so gumapang siya hanggang kusina on all fours—ahehe.

Finally, after a few minutes, they went back to the living room, they had to anyway. Nakiusap na lang daw sila sa aming phantom Hanes endorser. “Huwag nyo naman kami takutin,” sabi daw nila. After nun, ayun, okay na ulit. Those were the days! I haven’t seen ghosts yet. Yung nakita ko dati, duda pa ako e kung totoo ngang multo yun e. Kasi parang tao lang din. Anyway, laban pala nila Pacquiao–Marquez ngayon. Go, Manny! Yeah! Chapter.

Coping with frustrations

(excerpt from my journal entry dated October 25, 2010)

I’m writing at around 10 in the evening. Today has been very frustrating for me. I had set plans, written them down on a small sheet of paper. Isang crucial part ng plan na yun was to borrow money from _____, which she said she was willing to lend. Unfortunately, napalaki yung perang hinihiram ko—from 10K, naging 30K, and I understand why _____ doesn’t have the money at the moment. I don’t know when she’d have it, and I don’t want to impose.

I got so down that most of the “to-do” things I listed for today, I didn’t even get to begin. I felt I have wasted time the entire day doing nothing about my plans just because of one frustration. Finally, I admitted that it was wrong of me to assume so much, and somehow that made me feel better. However, I still felt frustrated and useless that I fell into procrastination again and watched a lot of TV instead.

Up to now, I still haven’t given Tatay a bath. Sabi ko magsusulat muna ako. This should at least be a start. I re-read, or rather, continued to read “The Artist’s Way” for inspiration, and true enough, I found my answers there. Firstly, hindi ako consistent sa pagsusulat ko dito sa journal ko, that is why hindi pa ganoon ka-strong ang pag-a-unblock ko sa creativity ko. But I’m on my way, I suppose. Withdrawal symptoms lang naman daw itong nararamdaman ko. What’s one day of frustration compared with many days in the past week that I had been blessed with enthusiasm about life and my prospects? Count your blessings!

One important lesson I got from reading the book is “Pay attention!” Meaning, there are frustrations, disappointments along the way. But I’ve got to pay attention. Focus instead on how I can still achieve what I set out to do when things don’t go my way. Pay attention to living life to the full. Pay attention to what life or the universe is telling me in the midst of my frustrations. Somehow, I surmised that paying attention is the first step toward discerning the Divine Plan for us. I’m good at theorizing, as you can see. Pero pagdating sa practice, ewan ko kung magawa ko ito or lagi kong maalala.

Right now, my mind is cluttered with ideas and plans and concerns. I need to focus. I need to get over my self-doubts. I hope tomorrow will be better. I think tomorrow will be much better than today. After kong magsulat, lilinisin ko na arinola ni Tatay, then lilinisin ko na yung banyo, then maliligo na ako. Kung hindi ako makakautang kay _____, ike-credit ko na lang yung mga dapat kong bilihin for my Herbalife business. Wala dapat makapigil sa akin, kahit pa yung mga walang kwentang superstitions ko na kumukontra sa paglago ko at sa pagtuluy-tuloy ng mga plano ko. They can kiss my arse. Hehe.

Minsan naisip ko, what if I lived all by myself? Walang ibang iintindihin sa buhay kundi sarili ko lang? Mas productive kaya ako nun? Mas makaka-cope, or rather mas magiging consistent sa mga plano at schedule na tinakda ko para sa sarili ko? O iiral lang ang procrastination ko out of coping with boredom (due to a lack of “distractions” from my family)? Btw, barangay elections kanina. Hindi ako bumoto. I don’t know. Politics has long since become trivial to me. Yabang e.  Hehe. Chapter muna.

The masters and our memories

(excerpt from my journal entry on All Saints’ Day, November 1, 2011, a Tuesday)

I remember years ago, I did a painting of a fallen leaf of an Indian tree with a white flower on it. A girl saw it at the office where I brought it for display. I wasn’t around when it happened, but the girl started crying daw when she saw it. Not just crying, but sobbing, and I was wondering if my paintings can really move people. Just like Van Gogh’s? I don’t know.


To me, Van Gogh’s colors do move, and his colors are alive. But it’s hard to not think if the emotional response to Van Gogh’s paintings is more due to the romanticism associated with his life. There’s this song (“Vincent” by Don Mclean) about him, a sad song tribute to Van Gogh. But how much of it has seeped into our consciousness and influences the way we look at Van Gogh is, I suppose, subject to inquiry.

But personally, I see “Van Gogh” in my life in dark, quiet evenings, when everyone’s asleep and the streets are deserted, and everything is still. There’s a dignified desperation about such scenes for me—a night for the sleep of the sad and weary. In my mind, I hear the flutes from Bach’s…what’s it called again?...let me check…ah, it’s “Er hat uns allen wohlgetan” from the St. Matthew Passion. Brings to mind yet another painting, “The Night Tryst”—an Indian painting showing an Indian woman waiting for her lover in the forest, and the animals around her sympathize with her under a starlit sky. Amidst the quiet, the desperation is there. Because her lover has not yet come.

I remember many years ago, when I was still a child, I remember there was this night when I came home from playing with the neighbors’ kids, and I found my nanay sitting outside in the yard. She looked so tired because she had been supervising the renovations being done in our house at the time. The carpenters had long already left, and there was clutter everywhere, and everything was so quiet and still around the house. The only sound was the humming of the electricity coming from the light bulb just above my mother. I gave my mother a hug and rested my head on her lap, and she told me, “Matulog ka na.” I was indeed very tired, but I didn’t feel sleepy because I felt sad (or began to feel sad by then) because my mother was telling me to go to sleep, and she was tired herself but she wouldn’t go to sleep yet. She was waiting. I don’t know for what or for whom.

I still remember that scene to this day, and get sentimental whenever I come home late nights and see quiet, deserted streets while on the jeepney or while walking. I guess that memory somehow influences the way I contemplate Van Gogh’s “The Potato Eaters,” “Starry Night,” or “The Night Café,” which is one of my emotional favorites. I guess that’s why I like quiet evenings, staying up late just so for the experience of heightened introspection(?) or sentimental exploration(?), I don’t know for sure. Who cares? Haha.

When I started painting (or learning to paint), I exposed myself to a lot of the old masters—Vermeer, Velazquez, Goya, Rembrandt, etc. Those years, as of yet, I consider the brightest and most colorful years of my life. I was not living in the Netherlands or Spain, but I feel like I lived in those places at the time of the old masters. Is that how artists feel about life as they immerse in the art of those they admire? Do they live with altered memories? By “altered memories,” I mean I remember living my life with family and friends back then, but there’s this extra dimension or aspect in my life that somehow outshines the other aspects of my memory of those years. The brightness of those days was like the brightness of Vermeer’s light, of the glitter of the gold in Goya’s or Rembrandt’s works. And the nights were like Manet’s in “The Barmaid” or in Van Gogh’s night scenes. I didn’t actually live them, but man, they’re so alive to me, so vivid to me. I guess that’s how powerful free association is. (Free association is a psychology term, by the way. I’ve not the patience to explain it here, so…).

I plan to make use of my drawing notebooks as a journal also. Just like what I do here (journal). I plan to make at least 1 drawing a day, until it’s become a habit with me. By then, I would be living like the intellectuals of the old days, before the advent of computers and word processors, and my backpack would have two notebooks (one for drawing and one for writing) as basic provision. Wow! That’s exciting. I’d be out of this world, and I’d be so weird, everyone would avoid me. Ahehe. A few more lines and I’ll be done with this page. What else to write? Hmm…Esep-esep. It’s almost lunch. I can smell the saltiness of the patis in the nilagang buto-buto (spare ribs) in the kitchen. Hmm… Sarap! I’ll rest my hand a bit after this, then have lunch, then give Tatay a bath. After that, I don’t know what else to do. Bahala na. Chapter muna! Thank God for these two pages! : )

Edith Piaf

(excerpt from my journal entry on All Saints' Day, November 1, 2011, a Tuesday)

I'm writing this with Edith Piaf in the background. I haven't listened to her for a while. It feels good. I was thinking of playing music for All Saints' Day—for the saints ba. Ehehe. I thought something “saintly.” I could have played Bach or Mozart but thought of playing something more accessible to people around the house. I mean, it seems I’m the only one around here who can appreciate classical music. And then I thought of playing “soul”—you know, some blues and jazz. Then I thought, bukas pa yun, a. All Souls’ Day. Then naisip ko, why not Louis Armstrong? Hehe. He’s got this song, “When the saints go marching in,” right? So, it’s about saints with “soul,” shooting two birds with one stone. I ended up with Edith Piaf, and I don’t know why. It just feels good. : )

Theme song

Quote ni Robert Frost: “And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover's quarrel with the world.”

I had a lover's quarrel with the world. Di ako sigurado kung yun nga talaga ang nakalagay sa epitaph nya. At di din ako sigurado kung alin ang tama: lover's quarrel ba o lovers' quarrel? Pero ang operative word siguro dito ay yung "had." He had a lover's quarrel with the world. Okay...so...nag-kiss and make up sila? O di kaya, kasi nga patay na si Bob kaya "had" ang ginamit nya?

Isip ko...if the world and I were lovers, ano kaya ang theme song namin? Hmm...esep-esep. Baduy as it sounds, I'd like to think I've transcended such labels and happily indulge my question. And I thought, my song would be, "Muntik na kitang minahal" by The Company. Hehehe. I don't know. I'd probably go deeper in thought about this song choice. Right now, I'm having goosebumps. Ahehehe.

This life

(excerpt from merged journal entries dated November 4 and 5, 2011, Friday and Saturday)

Di na nagpupunta dito sa lugar namin yung nagtitinda ng taho. Bata pa ako, sa kaniya na kami bumibili e. Pero since early this year (?), di na namin siya nakita. Isip ko, may nangyari kaya? Nagkasakit? Na-stroke? Anyway, we don’t even know his name. It’s funny how you know someone for so long, pero you don’t even know his name.

I’m wondering if there’s a kind of bonding among us spirits before this life—what kind of relationships did we agree on for this life. There goes me again, longing for the afterlife.

Someone on Facebook asked me a hypothetical question the other day:  “If you could save your mom with your life, would you do it?” I answered, “Yes. Because I never loved this life as much as I love my mom.” Not to be misunderstood, though. I love life. It’s just that if there’s a chance for me to start over again, I’d probably choose another. But then, such answers depend on my mood at the moment. Most of the time, I love being me and thinking the way I think and doing the way I do things. As you get older, however, sentimentality sometimes outweighs your current “disposition(?).” You long for things that had come before, or things that might come. You become impatient. I hate being impatient.

There was supposed to be a postscript to the answer I gave. But then I forget what it was. I was thinking about it yesterday. I suppose it’s unfair that I’m not so appreciative of this life, knowing that there’s a better one after this. I don’t know. Some atheists claim that since they “know” that there is no afterlife, they have no choice but to make the most of this one. That’s a good thought. But then, I don’t know if that’s a compelling enough notion to cling to. There has got to be a reason for this life—not just some random accident of…what?...life forces?... I guess that’s one good reason to make the most of this life: knowing that you have a purpose; that you’re not an accident, you are meant to be here. But it’s frustrating not knowing it, and more so if you thought you knew it, and then things seem to go the other way for you. Or things seem to go in different directions other than the one you’re focused on at the moment. Hay naku.

I think I have an idea , a hint on what I’m supposed to do. But then, siguro ako na din ang nagpapahirap sa sarili ko on how to go about it. So many distractions. Like kelangan muna yumaman bago magawa yun. Or kelangan mo muna ma-recognize or mapatunayan sa ibang tao that you are worth your salt before they’d listen to you. I have all these ideas in my head pero I don’t know how to share them. I have so much fear, I guess. Like right now, I’ve said time and again that I would start a blog pero up to now, I’m still procrastinating about it. Free naman ang pagba-blog, so why the stalling? Is it because I’m sort of a perfectionist? Trapped in analysis paralysis? Or masyado lang “fateful”—that I’m doomed to just begin and begin projects and not get to finish any of them or not see the fruits of my labor…I’m thinking about Mozart right now. And Leonardo da Vinci.

Whoa! Just now, there’s this song “My love will see you through” playing on the radio. And Ate Gina (a neighbor) sang along to it, and loudly she sang, “Don’t give up!” Hahaha. I feel the message is for me. Wow! Thank you, God. Just when I’m finishing this entry. Love you, God. Amen!

Fraidy cat

(excerpt from my journal entry on Halloween, October 31, 2011, a Monday)

While at the cemetery yesterday, I ate a lot, prayed very little, and yeah, took some pictures using my sister’s digital camera. I think I took some four or five interesting landscape and still life photos. I took pictures of our family, too. But I don't know. I just don't find taking our pictures more interesting than taking "artful" pictures. Hehe. Ang yabang, e, no? Anyhow, we got through another (anticipated) All Saints’ Day observance. Before we went home, I drove us (or at least our party) to the mall, and I bought a headset for my computer. When we got home, kainan ulet. It’s the usual…what the f…ork? I’m losing my train of thought because someone out on the street is singing, “Labanan natin ang tukso…!” off key. Very annoying. What am I going to write now? Ah, yes. Last night, we watched documentary shows on TV. The usual fare around this time of the year: paranormal stuff! Which I find very interesting, although lately, most of the features these shows present have grown predictable and ho-hum. I switched channels and found a replay of Imbestigador’s 2009 Halloween special, and that one I found more creepy. Truth is I was having second thoughts about taking a bath last night. Remember I wrote here yesterday that I would take a bath only after we got home from the cemetery? Well, we got home at past 7 p.m., and as usual, I procrastinated again about taking a bath (because I really find taking baths very trivial!). So I watched TV first, and got too scared from watching those shows I almost didn’t take a bath. I did manage to “wash” my body in a little over 5 minutes in the bathroom, and then I shampooed my hair and washed my face at the sink in the kitchen, which is more “accessible” from the living room area than the bathroom. What a fraidy cat! Hehehe. But that’s just last night, I’m sure of it. I usually enjoy being alone in the house or being awake all by myself (when everyone else is asleep) because that’s the time I feel most relaxed and more focused—on myself, my thoughts, my needs, etc. When everyone else is awake, you put other people’s needs and concerns ahead of yours, and it can get tiring. With the exception of writing here, the rest of my “to-do” things are basically for my family, etc. Even my procrastination is for my family, hehe….

11/11/11

(excerpt from my journal entry dated October 26, 2011, a Wednesday)

I can't believe it's almost 2012. May mania that the end of the world will end in December 2012. Tapos, meron pang isa na the anti-Christ daw will rise up on November 11 this year (11/11/11). Whoa! Can you himasin, este, imagine? hehehe. Konting patawa lang. Masyado nang nagiging seryoso e.

I don't know for sure if I should be that worried. Or rather, I'm worried over a lot of things, pero the end of the world is not in my top 5 concerns (or even top 10?). Kung patay, e di patay. Ang nakakainis lang, kung mangyari nga yun, tapos may mga survivors. The real ordeal is not in facing up  to cataclysmic events but is in sustaining oneself after surviving the cataclysm. Magiging parang hayop ba tayo kasi mag-aagawan tayo sa pagkain? Magpapatayan just so we can get to safety, or we can get to preserve our asses ahead of the others? Magkaroon kaya ng mga zombies? And kung may zombies man, tumatakbo ba sila o susuray-suray lang? Hehehe.

Blangko / I want to get away

(excerpts from my journal entry dated October 24, 2011, a Monday)

Blangko

Blangko. Blangko ang utak ko. May nagtanong sakin dati kung may panahon ba daw na naipapahinga ko ang utak ko. Kala ko nagbibiro lang siya kasi ang alam ko 24 hours a day ang andar ng utak ng tao, whether gising o tulog. Pero posible daw yun e. Yung blangko lang ang isipin mo. Wala kang iniisip or pina-process na kahit anong idea or kaisipan sa ulo mo. Hayaan mo lang na dumating sa diwa mo ang kahit anu-anong kaisipan nang walang censorship o judgment. Passive ka lang. Hmmm... Ano naman kaya mahihita ko dun kung sakali? Maipapahinga ko ang utak ko? Sabagay kelangan ko din ipahinga utak ko. Sobrang gamit na gamit na e. Hindi na mabebenta. Hehe. Yung sa iba kasi slightly used pa lang. Ahehe. Hay. Isang araw na kaytamad-tamad ko. 7 a.m. na. Dapat 8 a.m. pa ako gigising e. Pero natatamad din naman akong matulog uli. Ano ba naman yan? Pati pagtulog kinakatamaran ko. Ahehe.

I want to get away

I want to get away. Experience something new. Yung mala-Simcity 4 na laro na experience, in particular yung sa god mode. With its soundtrack playing in the background. Pero gusto ko yung mas tunay. As in parang spirit lang ako na nagpapalutang-lutang or nakakalipad sa kalangitan, looking down on God's creation, marveling at the briliance of the sun shining down on the earth and the sea, above the mundane in this life. Kung mangyari kaya yun, di kaya magsawa din ako agad? Pero mas okay sana kung pwede yun. Yung pwede ka mag-switch between buhay mundane (as in you're intimate with human life) and then yung buhay spirit (kung saan detached ka from all human concerns and just marveling at God's creation in all its beauty). Chapter!