(excerpt from merged journal entries dated November 4 and 5, 2011, Friday and Saturday)
Di na nagpupunta dito sa lugar namin yung nagtitinda ng taho. Bata pa ako, sa kaniya na kami bumibili e. Pero since early this year (?), di na namin siya nakita. Isip ko, may nangyari kaya? Nagkasakit? Na-stroke? Anyway, we don’t even know his name. It’s funny how you know someone for so long, pero you don’t even know his name.
I’m wondering if there’s a kind of bonding among us spirits before this life—what kind of relationships did we agree on for this life. There goes me again, longing for the afterlife.
Someone on Facebook asked me a hypothetical question the other day: “If you could save your mom with your life, would you do it?” I answered, “Yes. Because I never loved this life as much as I love my mom.” Not to be misunderstood, though. I love life. It’s just that if there’s a chance for me to start over again, I’d probably choose another. But then, such answers depend on my mood at the moment. Most of the time, I love being me and thinking the way I think and doing the way I do things. As you get older, however, sentimentality sometimes outweighs your current “disposition(?).” You long for things that had come before, or things that might come. You become impatient. I hate being impatient.
There was supposed to be a postscript to the answer I gave. But then I forget what it was. I was thinking about it yesterday. I suppose it’s unfair that I’m not so appreciative of this life, knowing that there’s a better one after this. I don’t know. Some atheists claim that since they “know” that there is no afterlife, they have no choice but to make the most of this one. That’s a good thought. But then, I don’t know if that’s a compelling enough notion to cling to. There has got to be a reason for this life—not just some random accident of…what?...life forces?... I guess that’s one good reason to make the most of this life: knowing that you have a purpose; that you’re not an accident, you are meant to be here. But it’s frustrating not knowing it, and more so if you thought you knew it, and then things seem to go the other way for you. Or things seem to go in different directions other than the one you’re focused on at the moment. Hay naku.
I think I have an idea , a hint on what I’m supposed to do. But then, siguro ako na din ang nagpapahirap sa sarili ko on how to go about it. So many distractions. Like kelangan muna yumaman bago magawa yun. Or kelangan mo muna ma-recognize or mapatunayan sa ibang tao that you are worth your salt before they’d listen to you. I have all these ideas in my head pero I don’t know how to share them. I have so much fear, I guess. Like right now, I’ve said time and again that I would start a blog pero up to now, I’m still procrastinating about it. Free naman ang pagba-blog, so why the stalling? Is it because I’m sort of a perfectionist? Trapped in analysis paralysis? Or masyado lang “fateful”—that I’m doomed to just begin and begin projects and not get to finish any of them or not see the fruits of my labor…I’m thinking about Mozart right now. And Leonardo da Vinci.
Whoa! Just now, there’s this song “My love will see you through” playing on the radio. And Ate Gina (a neighbor) sang along to it, and loudly she sang, “Don’t give up!” Hahaha. I feel the message is for me. Wow! Thank you, God. Just when I’m finishing this entry. Love you, God. Amen!
i like how you worried about the mangtataho...the last time i was in Cavite I bought about ten tasas a day. i thought it was being considerate by buying it for all members of the family...by the fifth day, they have had enough and then i stopped buying taho. the mangtataho was in disbelief that i stopped buying and in the end asked why i did. after the questioning, i had to buy them all over again *sigh*.
ReplyDeletei share your fear - of the future. i think we get pretty scared about how big and great we can be. i always liked your writing. i got inspired by you and Tolitz many, many years ago, when you were the Editor in Chief of the Heraldo. do you want me to remind you how long ago that was? i think you are amazing and that you will be amazing at anything you choose to be...so what is it, Mok? what are you afraid of becoming? it's still going to be you, just bigger, greater or wealthier, for sure...or all 3 ;)
Thanks so much for sharing your encouraging thoughts. I suppose you're right about the fear of becoming big and great. I guess it's the responsibility that comes with it. There'd be times you'd like to be responsible and times you'd like to get away from it all--and getting away from it all, even for a while, is not always forgiveable to most people. A small flaw
ReplyDeleteis always a big flaw. For now, I'd like to just write and write to effect change, not showing the dirty hand behind the writing that is God's gift not just to me but also to those who read my words. Whoa. My writing has run away with me again. Again, thanks Marge. For the inspiration to keep on, most importantly. : )