Coping with frustrations

(excerpt from my journal entry dated October 25, 2010)

I’m writing at around 10 in the evening. Today has been very frustrating for me. I had set plans, written them down on a small sheet of paper. Isang crucial part ng plan na yun was to borrow money from _____, which she said she was willing to lend. Unfortunately, napalaki yung perang hinihiram ko—from 10K, naging 30K, and I understand why _____ doesn’t have the money at the moment. I don’t know when she’d have it, and I don’t want to impose.

I got so down that most of the “to-do” things I listed for today, I didn’t even get to begin. I felt I have wasted time the entire day doing nothing about my plans just because of one frustration. Finally, I admitted that it was wrong of me to assume so much, and somehow that made me feel better. However, I still felt frustrated and useless that I fell into procrastination again and watched a lot of TV instead.

Up to now, I still haven’t given Tatay a bath. Sabi ko magsusulat muna ako. This should at least be a start. I re-read, or rather, continued to read “The Artist’s Way” for inspiration, and true enough, I found my answers there. Firstly, hindi ako consistent sa pagsusulat ko dito sa journal ko, that is why hindi pa ganoon ka-strong ang pag-a-unblock ko sa creativity ko. But I’m on my way, I suppose. Withdrawal symptoms lang naman daw itong nararamdaman ko. What’s one day of frustration compared with many days in the past week that I had been blessed with enthusiasm about life and my prospects? Count your blessings!

One important lesson I got from reading the book is “Pay attention!” Meaning, there are frustrations, disappointments along the way. But I’ve got to pay attention. Focus instead on how I can still achieve what I set out to do when things don’t go my way. Pay attention to living life to the full. Pay attention to what life or the universe is telling me in the midst of my frustrations. Somehow, I surmised that paying attention is the first step toward discerning the Divine Plan for us. I’m good at theorizing, as you can see. Pero pagdating sa practice, ewan ko kung magawa ko ito or lagi kong maalala.

Right now, my mind is cluttered with ideas and plans and concerns. I need to focus. I need to get over my self-doubts. I hope tomorrow will be better. I think tomorrow will be much better than today. After kong magsulat, lilinisin ko na arinola ni Tatay, then lilinisin ko na yung banyo, then maliligo na ako. Kung hindi ako makakautang kay _____, ike-credit ko na lang yung mga dapat kong bilihin for my Herbalife business. Wala dapat makapigil sa akin, kahit pa yung mga walang kwentang superstitions ko na kumukontra sa paglago ko at sa pagtuluy-tuloy ng mga plano ko. They can kiss my arse. Hehe.

Minsan naisip ko, what if I lived all by myself? Walang ibang iintindihin sa buhay kundi sarili ko lang? Mas productive kaya ako nun? Mas makaka-cope, or rather mas magiging consistent sa mga plano at schedule na tinakda ko para sa sarili ko? O iiral lang ang procrastination ko out of coping with boredom (due to a lack of “distractions” from my family)? Btw, barangay elections kanina. Hindi ako bumoto. I don’t know. Politics has long since become trivial to me. Yabang e.  Hehe. Chapter muna.